4.5 Months. 137 Days. 3,297 Hours. 197,878 Minutes. 

Before explaining the above time frame, I want to first explain why I originally decided to take a "break" from social media and the blog. At the end of March, I decided to take a step back, clear my mind and hit the reset button. I have such a love hate relationship with Instagram (as that's really the only social media outlet I use). On one hand, it's a great business tool, it's an open forum for endless creativity and it easily allows friends and family near and far to keep up with one another on a daily basis. In that sense it's brings people together. On the other hand, it can be draining, a waste of precious time and overwhelming if I'm being completely honest. However, my hiatus from social media wasn't the result of my qualms about Instagram; simply put, I needed a break. I was taking my blogging experience to a whole new level and it was not one that I had intended on. I was becoming more concerned with the number of likes or comments rather than how that blog post made myself and others feel. I created a blog for the sole purpose to write and express myself as well as reach out and relate to other like-minded women, so why did I care so much about performance? Having that mindset was definitely not my intention in creating this blog so, yes I needed a minute to reset and refocus.

Instead of a minute, I took 197,878.

Shortly after I went on my Instagram hiatus, we found out we were pregnant. Yep, we are just about 20 weeks pregnant with baby #2.. We were "trying" if you will, so it was not a surprise, but no matter what, it's always a surprise. Having a second child scares the crap out of me! Anyways, my reason for writing this blog post in particular is to express the not-so-fun and oh-so-lonely moments of the first trimester. I would like to preface this by saying, I have zero intentions of downplaying the fact that I am pregnant nor do I want to be insensitive to those trying to get pregnant. I do understand pregnancy is an exciting time and it's a blessing no matter what. With this post, I simply want to share my own experiences amidst the first trimester, not once but twice.

So here it goes. It's easy to forget what the first trimester felt like with Claire because it seems like it was so long ago. However, one thing was clearly the same for both pregnancies and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Aside from the nausea and the exhaustion (phew), the one word I would use to describe my first trimester(s) = LONELY. Even though Jim was around and I had the support of close friends and family, I still felt alone. Both pregnancies I experienced this loneliness, but I guess I didn't really come to terms with it first time around. Or maybe I just wasn't sure exactly how I should be feeling?

When I initially found out we were pregnant (both times), there were so many overwhelming and conflicting emotions. For one, I instantly felt this huge weight on my shoulders. I would like to think this is the same for many women, even if you've been trying to get pregnant for a long time or you have experienced pregnancy issues in the past. No matter what, the instant you find out you are carrying a human life, you feel this weight on your shoulders. It's the most confusing weight of all time. On one end it's pure joy, happiness and appreciation. On the other end, it's guilt that you are pregnant and your friend is not. It's fear that something bad could happen. It's trepidation for the change that's about to ensue. Oh and then guilt again for feeling these feelings because of course you're supposed to feel over the moon happiness at all times in your pregnancy, right?! HA. Happiness, sadness, fear, excitement and love. All the feels. Honestly, there were so many emotions at once that I didn't quite know how to deal with it first time around. 

When I get anxiety or feel lonely, I tend to do the opposite of what I'm supposed to do. I tend to stick to myself, hide out and attempt to trick my mind into thinking everything is OK. I try to tell myself, 'this is short-lived and I will come out on the other side just fine'. However, having experienced this same loneliness with Claire in the first trimester, I felt a tad more prepared this 2nd time around. I knew what I was experiencing and I knew it wasn't my normal. I was also able to openly and honestly talk to Jim about it and that was a huge help.  Knowing exactly why this was happening and understanding that other women are going through the same experience amidst pregnancy, helped me not feel so alone. Of course having a sweet little toddler running around to cheer me up didn't hurt either :)

I learned a lot from my "mistakes" the first time around, but of course I had my moments of forgetting what it was like and sinking back into that rut. What did seem to help me the most through my 1st Trimester this pregnancy was venting to my husband (Sorry Jim), my mom and my sisters. They helped me recognize it was normal and OK and there is light at the end of the tunnel. We also told more people early on. We knew that if something terrible happened, we would be leaning on these people for love and support either way. Having this support system early on was so nice and it allowed me to get excited about this new life with others and not just by myself. I didn't feel so alone. I also made sure I was still going out with friends and enjoying every day life instead of hiding out and staying inside. Don't get me wrong, I had my moments of sitting my butt on the couch and eating anything and everything that would make me feel better! With this 1st trimester of my 2nd pregnancy, my diet changed. I went from being the healthiest I have been with my diet in a long time, to legit feeling like I had zero control of what entered my body. This sense of losing control was hard for me to accept. I hit up Mexican takeout, Wendy's and BW3's all in one day. Impressive right? I felt like I had no control over what would make me feel better and it was frustrating. It was easy for me to get into a little rut, but it was how I handled getting back on track the next day that helped me get through it. This can apply to anyone who happens to get off the wagon a bit during their healthy living journey. Hey there's nothing a little water, some protein packed snacks and some fruit or veggies can't fix! Working out was also a major method of 1st trimester survival for me. Shred415 yet again was one of my outlets for any and all feelings of loneliness. It forced me outside of the house, it made me feel better and put an ease to my nausea. Even if it was only an hour break from it all, it helped. For that hour, I focused on the positive side to being pregnant. I appreciated my body for what I was doing at that particular moment and I also appreciated the little human growing inside of me. All in all, it felt healthy, it felt good and it made me happy.

What would I have done differently the first time around? I wish I could have avoided the denial factor of it all. I wish I would have reached out to a family member or close friend to help ease my emotional stress and to make those 2 months a little less dark. I would have been a little more open and honest with Jim and ultimately myself about what was really going on. I wish I would have allowed myself to cry more without feeling guilt.  I wish I would have taken better advantage of the fact that I could still workout to full capacity (for the most part) at this early point in my pregnancy and used that as an outlet for stress. The biggest thing I wish I would have done? I wish I would have known that this was what I was actually going through. Loneliness, sadness, fear, hormonal imbalance or whatever you want to call it, it's a thing. Some call it "1st Trimester Blues", but I call it frustrating, confusing and ultimately exhausting. The one thing I hope to accomplish from sharing my take on the 1st trimester loneliness? I hope to relate to other soon-to-be moms, current moms, and those women seeking pregnancy. I want to make it be known that if you are experiencing any of these feelings of anxiety or depression that you're not alone and there is help. Talk to someone. It's all about acknowledgement of what's going on and working through it in the healthiest and most honest way possible. You are not alone my friend. 

TM